So you’re in your favorite watering hole, throwing back a few drinks, maybe chatting up your friends or the bartender… then you see her. A gorgeous woman walks in the bar. Or maybe she’s not gorgeous because the drinks are going down really well and that cute waitress keeps coming by with Jell-O shots, so who knows what condition your ability to judge beauty is in. Either way, you see her and at least think, “She’ll do.”

But now you are faced with the question: how do I approach her? Computard to the rescue! Now every woman is different, so it’s tough to say what will work for sure, but I can certainly keep from going down the path of destruction and/or a brutal slap to the face.

The Age Factor

When it comes to age, the only factor is older women. If they’re younger, that’s great! If they’re in a bar, they have to be at least 21, right? Of course.

Regardless of what her age may be, avoid that topic like the plague. Dancing around a number can be deadly. She may pull something sly and ask you to guess her age – by all means, do not say what comes to mind immediately! Take the number you come up with, and knock about 5-7 years, no matter how rough she looks. Guessing over by even 1 year can result in disaster. For instance, say you guess a woman’s age to be 28, and she turns out to be 24 – chances are she’ll be more than a little upset (a friend of mine knows from experience).

Anger and Rudeness – When to Bite Back

Women are going to reject you. It’s a fact of life. Whether they don’t like your haircut, facial hair, lack of facial hair, or choice of attire, or don’t appreciate you thinking they looks four years older than they are, you are going to get rejected now and then. However, this doesn’t give them an excuse to be rude about it.

For instance, in the above-mentioned scenario where my friend misjudged the woman’s age (and to be honest, she wasn’t exactly model material), she began to verbally attack him and yell. She was out of line, even though at one point he asked her, “Where did you park your broom?” So, as a true friend, I stepped in to get her off his back: “Look, you should be thankful. My guess was 32.” She left.

I another instance, I was speaking to a woman who I knew was in her mid-thirties, who of course asked me, “How old do you think I am?” Being a gentleman, I replied, “31, tops.”

Did she say “thank you”? No. Was she nice? No. Did I bite back when she was rude? You bet your ass I did.

Her: “Gee, that’s nice, but you’re not getting in my pants.”

Me (irritated by her rudeness): “That’s okay. I don’t f**k old broads anyways.”

She had it coming.

The Use and Over-use of Alcohol

So many neanderthals believe that the best way to get laid is to just get her drunk. Don’t get me wrong; that is a fantastic idea if you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship and she is just not in the mood very often (been there, done that). But is it really a good idea for someone you just met or barely know?

Look at it this way: you have no idea what her alcohol tolerance is. You have no idea what type of alcohol makes her really sick. You also have no idea when the last time was she ate something. This is a recipe for disaster.

A while back I was on my third date with a woman who had hinted that “tonight may be the night” (sure as hell should have been, I paid for all three dates!). So I decided to get a guarantee on that promise by getting her drunk. I’m not one to gamble. To make a long story short, she failed to mention that she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and wound up barfing with a <i>vengeance</i>. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was a cold-hearted bastard and made her ride in the bed of my truck, she would have puked in it. Anyone ever seen “The Exorcist”? Yeah, like that. I’m pretty sure this broad puked up things she ate in high school.

 Anyways, this blog is getting too damn long, so take that advice and run with it. More to follow I am sure.