Political Boner

I had to post this one. Immature, I know, but hilarious!

Alcohol and Cell Phones Do Not Mix – An Ex-Girlfriend Drunk Dial Story

You ever have one of those nights where you are drinking (heavily) and feeling absolutely wonderful, and you just want to share that feeling with everyone in your cell phone no matter what time it is or who they are? It’s called “drunk dialing”. Drunk dialing can be either a source of amusement or a total annoyance for those involved, depending on their relationship with the drunk involved.

So I have been known to drunk dial on occassion, and last Friday was no exception. Unfortunately, I did not remember many of those messages… that is, until I got a call from an ex-girlfriend the next day. Below is what we call “an uncomfortable conversation”:

Ex: Hey, how are you doing? How have you been?
Computard: Who the hell is this? (I had an idea of who it was, I just hoped I was wrong)
Ex: You know who it is. You sent me a text the other night?
Computard: (Shit! I knew it!)Oh, hey! I’m doing fantastic. How have you been? (Like I care)
Ex: I’m doing great. I was totally surprised to hear from you.
Computard: Yeah, no kidding (not as surprised as me). Hey, do you know what a drunk dial is?
Ex: Um… I don’t think so.
Computard: Yeah, I guessed that. Anyways, I think I left the oven on at work so I gotta run (possibly worst excuse ever)
Ex: Um, okay… I was just like, seeing if you wanted to hang out. (sweet Jesus, the oven thing worked?!)
Computard: Uh, yeah (rustling papers for static sound on phone). I’ll have to get back to you. You’re breaking up. I think the coffee maker is on too.
Ex: Hello? Okay, well like call me back when you get a sec.
Computard: (Don’t hold your breath, sugar) Hello? Okay. I’ll drunk dial you some other time. Damn those sake bombers!
Ex: What?
(click)

So I left it at that. I had absolutely no intention of calling her back. Ever. She doesn’t know what a drunk dial is and actually bought the “I left the oven on at work” story – that should give you an idea of what I was dealing with here and why it never worked out.

But it didn’t end there! A few nights later I got another phone call from her. I didn’t answer – not because I saw who it was, but because it was 2 o’clock in the morning! On a Wednesday! So she left a voicemail:

“Hey, it’s me just callin’ to say what’s up and see what you’re up to. (It’s 2 A.M.! What do you think I’m doing? Making breakfast?!) Aaaaaaanyways, we should hang out some time soon. I kinda want to seeeeeeee you (whoa, creepy). Call me back as soon as you get this, okay? Bye.”

Incredible. I was absolutely speechless. So now coes the time to decide what to do: 1) Ignore her calls and hope she takes a hint and gives up, 2) Hit it once more for old time’s sake and deal with the consequences later, or 3) Call her back and tell her to go to hell.

Hmmm…..

Kittens Have Joined Al Qaeda – Random Hilarious Pic

Meow, meow, meow, meow… meow, meow, meow, meow… BOOM!!!

We already knew they are a bunch of “pussies”…

Computard’s Last Stand – The Final Internet Dating Horror Story

In the end, everyone learns their lesson. It may have taken me a while, but I was new to this backwards sandbox they call Arizona and enjoyed meeting new people, despite how crazy, weird, arrogant, alcoholic, deceitful, overweight, boring, and all around fucked up they turned out to be. Call me retarded, but it was a great learning experience and a great way to polish my social skills in a variety of settings.

So, with great pride, I give you my final online dating horror story. I saved the best for last: Internet Dating Horror Story #4

Computard Almighty

More Internet Dating – Yes, I am a Glutton for Punishment

It’s difficult to tell what drives a man to continue with something that, thus far, has made him miserable. Is it stupidity? I don’t think I am a stupid person. Maybe it’s ignorance. In my case, I say it is definitely optimisim. Yup, definitely ignorance…

In any case, having decided that maybe if I kept trying I would meet my “perfect match” online, I decided to keep trying with the internet dating thing. I figured it was like shopping for produce (horrible analogy, I know): you have to pick through the bad ones to find the good ones.

So here it is: Internet Dating Horror Story #3.

Enjoy yourselves. Laugh at my pain.

The Computard

New Segment – Random Hilarious Pic

Since I spend the majority of my time on the web due to work, blogs, and porn, I come across (ha!) a lot of random hilarious pics. I feel it is my duty to share these with you, at random intervals with no set schedule (hence the “random” part of the name). Enjoy the first one.

And you thought you were having a bad day…

Holy crap! Now a lot of us have had a pigeon drop a fresh biscuit on us before. I for one was hit while riding my bike – I was angry at first, but then had to admire the skill of the pigeon for hitting a moving target with such precision. But this pigeon swooped in and attacked this kid with a vengeance!! Maybe the kid threw a rock at it or something like that, but this was a bird on a mission.

Props to the pigeon for sticking it to the man… er, boy.

The Computard

Windows Vista is Just Plain Retarded

Does anyone else out there have Windows Vista? Are you sure you want to answer this question? Are you sure you want to answer that question? Anyone who has Windows Vista knows what I am referring to.

You know that guy at work who constantly second-guesses everything you do, even though you know with 100% certainty exactly what you are doing, and he’s not even your boss to beging with, he just likes to think he is? That’s what Vista reminds me of everytime it asks me if I have authorized a program to run, even though I just clicked the f-ing button!! Absurd, isn’t it? And this is coming from a full-fledged computard.

So how do you deal with that guy? Well in my case, I drove him up the wall in every way I could think of until he decided to transfer to another department. Relentless jokes about his mother, random “additions” to his coffee cup when he wasn’t looking, and one more prank that I really shouldn’t mention… oh what the hell, we put threw a stink bomb through his open car window… finally drove this a-hole to leave. Unfortunately, Windows Vista is like a version of that guy who has no mother, doesn’t drink coffee or any other beverage, and loves the smell of stink bombs. People at work tell me that I should pay to down-grade to Windows XP.

Can you believe that? When I bought this new laptop I thought I was getting a great deal by having Vista included, but it looks like I need to downgrade if I don’t want to deal with the quirks (or BS) that goes along with Microsoft’s latest abomination.

Ain’t that a bish.

Computard out.

Me? I’m dumb enough to try internet dating again…

So after that first catastrophe that with me learning about the futility of judging someone by a headshot and finding that there are varying degrees of “about average”, I decided to give internet dating another go. I figured that being more superficial about who I picked would probably enable me to find a better woman.

Don’t judge me.

And it did… well, as far as looks go anyways. Read about it here: Internet Dating Horror Story #2

Word to ya mutha,

Vanilla Computard

Have you tried Internet Dating? Would you try it again? I didn’t think so…

Believe it or not, I haven’t always been the ladies man that I am today (I can hear you laughing). A few years back, when my ex and I divorced and I first moved out to this backwards rock called Arizona, I had difficulty meeting people of the opposite sex.

My best friend, who by this time was hopelessly whipped by a woman who didn’t like me much, suggested the whole internet dating thing.

I thought it was a fabulous idea.

I am an idiot.

Anyways, the best thing to come out of my internet dating experience is that I had severaql experiences worth writing about. So click the link here to check the first episode out: Internet Dating Horror Story #1.

Enjoy my pain,

C-Tizzle

Dealing with being “computarded”

“Hey, I need you to upload this MPEG to our FTP site, then code this description into HTML and link it to this PDF”.

Huh?

This is what a typical day at work is like for me. This is why I preach to everyone young person I come across to learn whatever they can about computers and how they work.

Anyways, I am learning more and more each day, and thankfully the people I work with/for are patient with me. I have begun to learn the intricacies of SEO, or Search Engine Optimization. For those of you who are “not in the know”, that means making my website show up on Google before yours. There are actually people whose jobs are almost exclusively tied to this sort of internet chess game. Amazing.

I think the hardest part of my job is being the boss of people who know more about this stuff then I do. Granted, they lack the people skills and management experience that I have, and are complete dorks, but it is a complete pain in the arse to have the “minions” show me how to do something. It goes something like this:

Me: “Hey, can you please show me how to embed this video into this web page?” (note how I said “please”)

Nameless geek: “Hee hee… you don’t know how to do that yet?” (that little bastard…)

Me: “Look Opey, I don’t have time or patience for your wisecracks, and while you were playing Dungeons & Dragons or ma$turbating to the Victoria’s Secret catalog, I was getting this thing I like to call ‘vagina’. So show me how to embed the video before I get angry and show you the true meaning of the word ‘owned’.”

Like I said, they lack my people skills…

Stay cool,

The Computard